those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
