How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
