I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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