The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
