made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
