her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
