Me. At least after what I've been through.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
