Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
