i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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