did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
