the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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