Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
