Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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