Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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