Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
