Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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