Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
