we have pet lesbian snakes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
