What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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