He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
