Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
