I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
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Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."