I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
