the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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