I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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