he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
