Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
