you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
