i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
my liver is dry heaving
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
