hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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