made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
