You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
