somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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