he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
