I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Found the puke drawer
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
