she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
