When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
