There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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