My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If I had your ass I would rule the world
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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