and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
