So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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