I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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