Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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