hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm like, not good at living.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
