she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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