and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
