U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
