Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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