I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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