so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
