Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
