Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
