Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am naked and annoyed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
