I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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