I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
