This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
