Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
