If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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